pr_hilton

01 May 2009 @ 02:25 pm

I don't write my thoughts down at all anymore. I was using another blog site for a while, for work, but failed to update that frequently as well. If I don't stop every few days to let my thoughts flow, I go crazy. And I have a ton of thoughts festering up there...oh well. I'm used to it. I mostly just spill to the husband when he gets home anyway.

I know that no one reads this. It's okay. None of my friends are into livejournal - everyone is just on Facebook. I'm considering this my retirement from pretending that I can keep up with updating a journal. Clearly, I can't stick to it. If I'm feeling creative I'll stop by, but most likely I won't. No time now with a baby boy coming in only eight more weeks. =]

Leave a comment

13 August 2008 @ 09:23 pm

Keep them...

Change. It is what so many people out there are searching for, isn't it? I know I am.

It's a common and tragic disease, just treading the same waters waiting for some defining moment to change your life.

Leave a comment

12 August 2008 @ 09:04 pm

I used to LOVE Peter Rabbit.

Goodbye, Peter Rabbit.

I have had many friends complaining lately, stating that I am so lucky for being married and living on my own. Are you kidding me?

I would LOVE to still be with my mom and dad, having almost no bills, and having dinner made for me every night. Growing up is not as fascinating as it seems. It's lonely, stressful, and tiring.

Why is it so appealing? I was one of the preteen girls who logged on to Instant Messenger to meet friends, and made myself five years older. I'm sure a lot of people did that. I tried to wear makeup too early, piece my ears too early, date boys too early, and was upset when I couldn't get my license the day of my sixteenth birthday. Now that I look back, I can't see what the damn rush was all about. There is so much enjoyment to be found in the minor responsibilities, the toys, the part-time job that pays for maybe gas money or a pay-as-you-go phone. I can barely remember those days, and I'm only twenty one.

Oh, well. I guess the growing up was unavoidable. I wish I could warn other minors, but they won't care. Would you? I know I wouldn't have.

Farewell, childhood. Farewell, Peter Rabbit.

Leave a comment

29 May 2008 @ 04:57 pm

I love weddings.

( Silly little thing. )

Leave a comment

26 March 2008 @ 05:08 pm

Like I can afford therapy.

According to Psychology Today...

( My test results. )

Leave a comment

24 March 2008 @ 04:31 pm

For some reason, this picture brought this out of me.

We walked among you, victims of the greatest torture that exists in the present world. You could never know the extent of it, and it could not be expressed in mere words or shocking tales. The casual and systematic genocide carried on as so-called practicers of humanity looked the other way; which left us to be victims of cruel experimentation and execution.

No one is an exception - the elderly, the handicapped, the children. Everyone gives up sometime - a victim of the flawed system that succeeds in taking away every sense of safety and comfort. You could never understand unless you were there. To say that there was fear is an understatement. To acknowledge the heart-wrenching pain that must have come from losing everyone once held dear, leaving one completely and utterly alone, is the kind of thing that few could perceive. To explain the kind of emotional and spiritual testing that goes on - well, I don't have to tell you that many did not survive the pressure.

It is much more horrifying than you can comprehend. A world where everything is overcast in grey, where the only stimulation of any senses are the sobering sounds of fear that make you certain your ears must be bleeding. You can see the others [whom you are sure must have been full of life at some point] slowly turn into hollow vessels as their strength and faith waste away. It's the slow kind of torture, the one that whittles away at any emotional or mental capacity until all that is left is a fearful body to be suffocated and tossed aside.

Do you know what it's like to look around and see only hollow eyes?

Leave a comment

22 March 2008 @ 12:48 pm

It's what I want.

Freedom -
Freedom of false fantasies,
Daydreams of which I lack the strength
to make a reality.

Release -
Release from rapid recession,
Contraction that I cannot turn
into a recovery.

Deliverance -
Delivered into destined direction,
Tangled paths where I desperately seek
a guide.

Redemption -
Redeemed of rising restraints,
Inhibitions that have only suppressed
my individuality.

Leave a comment

17 March 2008 @ 05:25 pm

Practice.

Pile stones upon bricks
To form your wall of substance
Keep piling, building
Hurling rocks to reach the top
Surrounded by a fortress
That has been built without skill
Keep up the unstable walls
To hide your empty gorge

Illusion of a worthy life
Where the center is only hollow

Give me your hand
I'll lead you to destruction
Give me your heart
I'll rapidly destroy it
Shower me with trust
I'll aim high to fire it down

Take my hand
Pull me to reformation
Take your heart away
Until I can keep it safe
Keep your trust at bay
Make me labor for the privelage

Leave a comment

17 March 2008 @ 04:38 pm

See me as I really am...

Some days I'm not sure where I would be without my kids. Every previous job I've had has involved working with all adults and unsatisfied customers. Now I actually enjoy going to work, and I absolutely attribute all of that to the kids that are there.

I gain self-confidence from them. They don't care about my physical or personality flaws, and my reputation means nothing to them. They're not going to form false opinions about me or insult me behind my back because aside from being too innocent, they are also too forgiving.

I wish the traits that belong to us as children could stay with us as we mature. I really think they've got it all figured out, where the meanest thing they can say is, "You can't come to my birthday party." And then they take it back immediately. They will find any similiarity to establish friendship [Hey, I have shoes on, too! We can be friends!] They don't see a difference in color, religion, or family situation. One child may always be picked up by dad, another always by grandma because dad isn't in the picture. All of those things are just accepted. There aren't questions or teasing. You have glasses? They don't even notice. Then grade school comes along where lines and social norms are starting to appear. I was terrified to get glasses in fourth grade, because I didn't want to be made fun of.

Something about adulthood brings out the insensitivities, insecurities, and cruelness in people. High school becomes ruthless, and the adult working world is often just as bad. I can't figure out why. It's not fair that a developing mind increases the level of judgment and criticism. Sprouting maturity should mean building on the "open arms" quality we already have as kids, not destroying it completely.

I'm glad I chose my career path. I think I'm one of the lucky ones. I get to go to work and get that reminder - not everyone is cruel. Not everyone is dramatic. There isn't evil everywhere.

Leave a comment

10 March 2008 @ 05:23 pm

My first PostSecret-inspired post.

I'm definitely ready for a fresh start. I have thought of a lot of things that I want to change.

-I want to be more productive. I'm planning on killing myself the next two years of school in order to have my bachelor's by then, and I'm going to need to really crack down. I got good grades this semester, but I'll be taking a lot more credits. I don't want to lose sight of myself just because I'm in school. I was coming home and doing five hours of homework, and then going to bed. Online classes are life-killers. These next few semesters, I want to be superwoman. I want to get it all done and never neglect housecleaning or working out. Or spending time with myself.

-Which brings me to the other things I want to change. I want to never be frustrated that my apartment is messy. I HATE when it's messy. [I'm such a hypocrite, because I should be cleaning right now.] I am much happier when my home is neat and tidy.

-I seriously need to do something about getting in shape. At this rate, I am going to die about twenty years earlier or something. As soon as most of Brian's debt is paid off, I'm getting that rec center membership and swimming my heart out everyday. Until then, I need to get excited about the treadmill. I have one in my bedroom, for pete's sake. I need to do something.

-I don't draw, scrapbook, or write anymore. I have absolutely no touch with my creative side. All these great materials are just taking up space in my apartment, and I never do anything with any of it.

-I don't talk to my closest friends enough. I miss the hell out of Lindsey and Janna, but they would probably never know it because they hardly hear from me.

That's all, I guess. There are other things I would like to change, but none that I can think of right now.

Leave a comment

05 March 2008 @ 07:17 pm

PostSecret

If you have yet to discover PostSecret, I encourage you to. It was created by a guy [named Frank Warren, I believe] who has people mail him anonymous homemade postcards with their secrets and confessions. He publishes them on his website and in books. Some are funny, some are dark, and some are inspirational. I have found them to be an inspiration for writing. From time to time, I'll post a postcard from the archives and then let my thoughts flow from there.

You can see the new ones once a week at www.postsecret.com.

Current Mood:

cold

Current Music: Television

Leave a comment

Advertisement

Advertisement